07 April 2011

How to Land a Man in Just 16 Easy Steps "The Girls of Pleasure Island" Way

*as a warning, you probably shouldn't read this if you actually want to watch the movie. I will also say I don't want to make light of war or the pain of waiting for a loved one to return, but rather add commentary about romantic conventions.

1. Live on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere, but in a strategically placed location so that it will make sense that a herd of Marines wants to use your pretty little island as a landing strip. Even though this island is already packed with men, they're only there to serve your family and as we know British ladies like yourself don't talk to servants. Use this to your advantage. Any of your awkward moments can easily be excused away by your sheltered upbringing. 

2. Live in a nice house. Just because you can and because men will naturally flock to the only place on the island the looks like it has all the comforts of home. This will drastically reduce the amount of effort it takes to sort through all those men once said 1,500 soldiers conveniently fall into your lap.

3. Make the most of your windfall by being the right sister. Obviously the saucy and freakishly worldly older sister won't work. We all know that girls who like a good time never land the man. It also doesn't pay to be the youngest one (sorry for the bad screenshot, darling!). She's stuck wearing pigtails and awkwardly puffy dresses. And as we know, the youngest sister is always the most man crazy and obnoxious. She's only bound for superficial puppy love heartbreak.

But the middle sister? Yes. You're literally the glue that holds the family together. You're responsible, mature, capable, and the most virtuous. Let a man see you put on stockings? I don't think so. Let a man get fresh with you? Hell no! After all, you know he'll respect you more later which is the golden path to landing a man and a ring.

4. Select the man. Sure you could meet a few guys, have a few laughs over tea and crumpets, maybe even do some island fun like walking the beaches or swimming, but it's best just to pick the first one who has any sort of authority and talks to you. Bonus points if he likes to be shirtless. In 60 years when the ideal body type for men is completely changed, you may question this attraction, but don't think too hard about it now.

5. Let the shirtless man kiss you a bit on the beach. Remember hands must remain firmly placed above the waist at all times. Limit the kiss to less than 10 seconds. 

6. Act horrified over said kiss. Tell him that it's your first, this will remind him that you're virtuous and pure and his manly lips are the only ones that have been on yours. Be sure also to question him about how free he is with his kisses. This line of questioning serves the following purposes: 1. reminds him of your virtue (again) 2. lets you know how many ladies he's been canoodling with before you 3. will wring a confession from him along the lines of how you are the best kiss he's ever had. Now don't you feel better? 

7a. Bathe in the bubble bath that he gave you. It's important not to question why he's on a tropical island in the middle of a war carrying a bottle of bubbles in his knapsack, just luxuriate in sudsy heaven before the party that you're throwing him and all the other officers. All of this will ensure man feels special and makes him feel like he bestowed his bubbles upon the right lady.

7b. Make sure you luxuriate long enough that the perfume soaks into your pores and hope the fumes will disorientate your shirt-deficient hero long enough that he won't notice your wonky eye.

8. Expect that your party will be broken up by the sudden departure of the Marine unit. You know that the plot has to thicken somehow, but be sure that you have a look of surprise on your face when he rushes to your house to let you know. It's okay, but only as long as you've been following the plan. We know you haven't done much beyond that sneaky beach kiss, but if you threw in some longing looks and thoughtful nods you should be good. Make sure you get a promise that he'll come back to you. After all, you're not the one going anywhere, right?

9. Stand solemly on the dock as the men leave. Don't cry, but look sad. Your man will know that you're one tough lady but that you have a soft side as well.

10. Commence moping. Look through everything he ever gave you. Wait, what is that you say? You only have a drawing pad? Make sure you return to it again and again.  Also insist to everyone you see that he's the type of man who will remember you exist once the war is over and return to your waiting arms. Glare at anyone who points out that you only knew him for five seconds.

11. Make sure you vary the scenery while moping. Mope by the dock.

13. Mope by a rusted out jeep in the middle of the jungle.


14. Mope by the ocean late into the evening.

15. Be prepared for your family to suddenly decide to leave the island after living there for twenty years or so while you're in the middle of moping. Protest! You need to wait for your man! How will he ever find you!

16. Spend your last day moping on the beach waiting for his return in mildly inappropriate clothing for sandy sitting.  This is the moment of truth, after all.  Will he arrive in time? Walk the beach alone, head cast down, locked in your own thoughts. This causes you to miss the arrival of an airplane and your manly man calling your name as he runs down the beach toward you. Finally hear him and run toward him. Wrap your arms around him.

He has returned! You are victorious!

Cue palm trees and end credits.

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